Step 1: Figuring out life on your own
Nothing feels better than accomplishing XXX on your own. Fill in the blank. We’ve all been in that relationship, that friendship, that codependency where someone provided you with something. You relied on them. You needed them. They paid part of your bills. They had some form of leverage on your life. That strong leverage and hold a dark cloud over your head. Make you feel like you are in this relationship or situation for the wrong reasons. Let me tell you what’s really rewarding. You ready for it? Needing nothing from anyone. Ever. Then you start to form real relationships. Better friendships and live a more fulfilling life.
Let me tell you a story. I had an ex from a long time ago. He was a great guy! Everyone loved him and he had a great personality. There was literally nothing wrong with him. He put up with my drinking, my crazy ass and type A ways and it seemed like smooth sailing. Part of the reason it ended was because of my messy drinking behavior and party lifestyle but that’s not the point of this story. After a while, he moved in with me when my roommate moved out. Goodness me and my ex roommate girl didn’t get along! That is also not the purpose of this story. Focus Sam! Anyways, he moved in with me and we got along for the most part but there didn’t seem to be any romantic connection. He seemed more like a buddy, a friend and more importantly someone that will pay half my bills. That’s it. Right there. That is the reason I held onto the relationship for so long even though it became a disaster. I thought to myself. Hey. This guy is living with me, doesn’t cause any problems and is easy to get along with and we are “dating” so this is a good thing, right? WRONG! I realized that the only reason we are dating or that I want to be with him is that we lived in an apartment that he was covering half the cost of. That’s not what a relationship is about. It was a tough decision but we decided to part ways. It was for the better. Shortly, after I moved to my own one-bedroom apartment that was a step up in luxury and decided that I was going to conquer this motha f***in’ life on my own before I dated anyone else. Yea, I was still drinking but now all I had to worry about was me, myself and I.
After I moved into my new crib, the drinking only last about 3 more months. Funny how that works. I moved closer to the city to be by the bars and all my drinking buddies just to quit a few months later. So, I ended up quitting alcohol and living a sober life. Fun fact: while living at my new place and during the drinking phase I received 3 noise complaints from blaring my Britney music on the sound bar at 2 am. Man, I’m so glad I’m not that irritating person anymore. Just kidding! Still do that just sober and in the comfort at my own home (Oh! And obviously well before 2 am. I don’t even know what that time looks like anymore). The picture below was it. When I saw this picture it hit me, it disgusted me and it was not who I wanted to be. I could only have 0 zero drinks or 1000 drinks and knew I needed to stop completely.
Beginning sobriety had its ups and down. I was bound and determined to make it on my own and find success is so many avenues of life. I had to go through many lonely nights, many insecurities, uncomfortable experiences (and sober too) and focus on training my thoughts in my head. You mind is a muscle just like the rest of the body and I had to practice flexing it. I also made the decision to make some other sacrifices to make a stronger financial gain. Here are some of the important things I’ve learned during this self-discover of “Doing this sh*t on your own” endeavor.
You become the best (and growing) version of yourself
I think this goes without saying. Some of the most liberating things we get out of life come from what we do ourselves! When I became a recluse, it was lonely. It got boring. It was tough. But the most powerful thing was how much I learned about myself and how much time and resources I invested in getting better. I learned to enjoy my alone time, my free time and learning. I focused on my opportunities and wrote them all down. Yes. After awhile it really sucked but I talked myself into remaining patient. I knew I was becoming better. I knew I was becoming the person I was meant to be which turned out to be a sober individual. A leader of a winning team. A great older and supportive brother to my little sister. A better dog dad. And a person who has figured out their passion and place in this world – what I am meant to do.
You find the right relationship person – if you are patient
Between relationships, the one I am in now and the one that ended in May of 2016, I was single for 3 years. This is a double-edged sword is what it feels like but it was absolutely the BEST thing for me! Just like I stated above, I learned a ton about myself but I waited for the right person to come along. Who would have thought?! In the interim I could have been in 20 relationships but it wouldn’t have been right. I think this is a good reminder to people to never settle. To be more specific, never settle on the nonnegotiable things. Do not look for perfection but things that are important to you, you shouldn’t have to compromise. Now every relationship is different and there will be some things you do have to compromise on but the things that are important to you should be discussed with your partner and ensure you’re both on the same page. This is just my insight. I am nowhere near a relationship expert and never will be! Just once again going off my own personal experience and insight.
You can submerse yourself in your thriving goals, if you choose to do so.
This is what I did. After I got sober, I had a clear head. My thoughts were no longer blurry and I envisioned every single goal I had and everything I wanted. Now keep in mind, I’m not saying you have to get sober to do that but also nothing bad comes from sobriety or even just limiting alcohol intake. Anyways, I feel like for the first time in my life I was able to have a clear and distinct vision. When you feel like you can see clearly, f*!k! the world becomes your playground and you start to see all the opportunities everywhere. You understand what drives you and where your passion lies and that is utterly exciting. I accepted that I am a gay man who wants to make a difference and will make a difference. I will take risks. I will not stop working until I’ve built what I want to build and help every single person I can. This is the fire I still have inside of me today.
Let’s say you aren’t as intense as I am, that’s okay. I personally don’t like to do anything small – it’s always balls to the wall. Start with some clear and distinct goals you have and maybe they are small or simple. Write them down and make it your mission to accomplish them. Once you do, the reward you feel is amazing. I’m a firm believer that starting small and doing the little things consistently, leads to big, big changes.
At the end of the day, these are choices (with incredible rewards!)
Every single thing I listed above have given me great rewards. With that said, they were all choices I had to make. The choice to be patient. The choice to cut negative people out of my life. The choice to work towards a greater goal. The choice to say no to things that didn’t move me forward. Sometimes success is more about saying no to things than saying yes to everything. When you figure out how to get through your life, your bills, your debt your whatever by yourself, you can then meet the right person for the right reason because all you want from them is love, affection and someone to grow with.
Doing this sh*t on your own is temporary. But once you figure it out, everything else will continue to fall into place if you are patient and putting it out there in the almighty universe.
After reading this, what is a goal or task you are going to do on your own and with the help of no one??? (TBH if you do this, you will feel so damn good afterward)
Thank you for reading!
Please let me know your thoughts and anything you would like to see at firstname.lastname@example.org