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© 2020 Addiction of Choice: Success

  • Samuel Gegen

B.S. in Binge Drinking

Updated: Dec 25, 2019

After one year of community college, I decided to make the leap to go to a college away from home. Yes!!! Another way to try and escape. Especially now as I have become a professional binge drinker. There was one caveat though, it was an agriculture / farmer college. WTF. I could have done better that that! But oh well, I made the most of it. I felt like a real grown up now. I already had one DUI under my belt at the age of 19 and ended up joining a fraternity. Why? Because they specialized in partying and then I would hope to find myself some girls that could help mask my secret I’ve been holding onto for well over a decade. My first year of college I ended up adding two more violations (MIP - minor in possession) to my track record, building up and ruining relations simultaneously and managing to get around a C average GPA.


The next year, I turned to exercise and really started to get in the gym. I also loved the way this made me feel! Let’s not get too crazy though, it never came in the way of Wasted Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, F***ed up Friday, Sloshy Saturday or Sunday Funday. For the most part, that was how my weeks consisted of all while working two jobs and going to school full-time with an internship. I’ve always had this desire to be productive. When I’m overwhelmed and busy, I tend to thrive. As college went on, the amount of days I went out went down, gym time went up and my grades rose as well. It wasn’t by any means exceptional but definitely on the course of an average 21-year-old. I started to get more into nutrition, my health and learning new exercises. I eventually changed my bachelor’s major towards my new passion, Kinesiology. I finished college in December of 2009, and went out with a bang. Binge drinking more now than ever, I moved back with my parents and had many issues to handle with the court as I got a second DUI. This one was more inconvenient.


Did I learn anything? Nah. I didn’t drink briefly because I had to go to an outpatient treatment facility for nine months. Luckily my drug of choice was alcohol so it was in and out of my system before I would have to urine test. During this painful time, I was working a shitty full- time job and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. One night after she had her double mastectomy, I lost it. I drank a bottle of vodka and drove 30 minutes across town and passed out on the hospital floor of my mom’s hospital room. She just had surgery and tons of morphine so I don’t think she realized I was there but I was drunk and crying on the hospital floor room at four in the morning. The details neither of us could remember. What has happened to me? I don’t remember the drive and didn’t even have a valid driver license at the time plus I was on probation. I was very lucky I didn’t hurt myself or someone else. You would think that would be enough to stop but no. It was easier to just pretend that didn’t happen and bottle that shit right up with the rest of my life and feelings I’ve been hiding from.


Summer of 2012

This up and down happened for so many years. I was finally working in a decent job that was related to my major. I managed to live a healthier lifestyle and only party on the weekends. I still partied so hard that I was tired, grumpy, depressed, bloated and everything else that came with it all the way up until Tuesday, sometimes Wednesday that following week. My good friend from high school’s family had this great house and pool we would often go over and swim as much as we could. One time he had a party with all the regular crew and of course this involved heavy shots, shot-gunning beers and pool time. The night was a blur. Long story short, there was gossip about my ‘secret life’. Did they know I was gay? Some chatter happened about it and this relationship I had hidden with another guy. I continued to drink. I started to get emotional. I have suppressed these feelings for years and in hiding that it was so hard to deal with. At the time I was 25 years old and still in the closet. By that time, I’ve dated several women as they served as my cover up. Well anyways, that night I couldn’t take it anymore. I went in the bathroom, filled up the tub and turned it on. I tried to submerge myself underwater and just end it. Somehow, I popped up and the tub drained. I don’t remember much of it because at that point I was beyond obliterated. That was it. That was my cop out to be a statistic. That could have been my easy way out. I continued to drink. I knew in my head something like that would happen again except I wouldn’t wake up after it. It was a scary thought but at that point I felt hopeless. Feeling like you are living a lie your whole life is daunting.


8.15.2012

I finally came out to my parents! Of course, I did this in an easy way because I didn’t want to face confrontation. The truth is hard. I left them a letter and then went to hang out with my new boyfriend and drank a bottle of vodka. They got the letter and went out of town to cope with the adjustment. After a week or so we connected again. They still love me and support me now more than ever. Mom said it was just something they had to adjust to because for so long they thought I was someone else and it turned out I’m this other person. I got a new job closer to Kansas City and took it. My new boyfriend moved with me and this was the opportunity to start a new life. Was that the end of the pain? Was that end of my binge drinking habits?


Hardly.


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